An open letter to sharks

***This was going to be a post on my brother’s pants-wetting fear of spiders, but I feel this is the more pressing issue right now***

Dear all of you,

This is getting serious. I’m afraid I’m going to have to put my foot down on this whole surfer-snack thing you’ve got going on. It’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep at night wondering how long it will be before you’re sending your spawn through my plumbing and into my warm, comfy bubble bath. Let me make this clear: mi casa-tub is certainly not su casa-tub. Capiche?

While you may have no choice but to live in the ocean, where Nature has designed you to fit perfectly and have the appropriate sustenance for your biology (plus, all the water you can drink), we humans have the the need, nay, the RIGHT to invade your home and declare you evil killers in the name of “because”.  So what if we have to have special equipment to spend any significant time on or in your demesne. You think that gives you the right to follow your centuries upon centuries of instinct and mistake our wild movements as the ineffective flailing of potential prey? I don’t think so, misters…and missuses. Ma’ams?

Look, if we could engineer some sort of SCABA (Self Contained Above-water Breathing Apparatus) suit for you, we’d…well, we’d likely use it to parade you around in front of large crowds for profit, turning you into whores, but that’s not the point. The point is, we’d allow you to serve our best interests on land, so why not cut us some slack in your one and only home environment. Heck, you’d even be able to visit your family members who are serving valiantly as eye candy right now in our many wonderful aquariums, habitats that are likely better than your ghetto homes in the seas (no offense to ghetto sharks, yo).

Look, all I’m asking for here is a little accommodation. I mean, we do you the favor of siphoning off as many of the inferior species in your environment as we can so that you remain top dogs down there. We also do our best to push your food sources closer to you by making our shorelines barely habitable with pollution of various types. The least you could do is respect us as the rulers of 1/3 of this marble and not cull from our vast and ever growing herd. If you cannot, or will not, see eye to eye with us on this, there will be consequences for this deliberate act of aggression.

All around the globe are what we refer to as “rednecks”. You may have witnessed them tossing explosives into your home to see what weaker species can’t take a little shock wave. They’ve also been kind enough to dispose of their bottles and cans in your realm to promote awareness of our needs and habits, as well as refilling your homes with human-filtered “water”. Now, it doesn’t take much to fuel the ire of these folk, and they are more than willing to paint you as the demons of the sea you seem to relish acting like. Once that ire is up, you can bet your toothy asses there will be hell to pay in the form of tournaments and cullings designed to teach you the valuable lesson of moderation and respect for life. I don’t think either of us wants that.

In closing, I just want to say that if you could see things from our perspective, you’d realize that we just want an amicable end to this senseless slaughter of innocent surfers, swimmers and divers who may or may not look like prey when they visit your home. When you’re ready to come to the table with open arms, so are we.



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3 Comments on “An open letter to sharks”

  1. Narf Says:

    Good on ya, Duck!!! Ummmm….will the pants-wetting and crying like a little girl thing be next? LOL!!

  2. Harry Parrish Says:

    Kill all Sharks !!! All Sharks are bad, evil, and plot against innocent people trying to enjoy the beach. They do this with conscious intent. Kill all Sharks.

  3. Dad Says:

    I once wrote a sort of poem titled “Sharks”, but I can’t seem to find it. It went something like this: Those slimy beasts that prey on the innocent // They prowl our world and pollute our environment // We must rid the ocean of their vile presence // And protect nature’s pure essence. // We must kill them — those humans. Whaddya think? Pulitzer material?

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